Ok…. im so lost i dont get everything keeps changing everyone is leaving me and what sucks the most is that im stuck in this hell hole for the next five years i feel so trapt im mean dont get me wrong i love being a soldier its just it has its downs… Like I didnt even get to be here for my grandmothers last moments I feel like the worst grandchild ever I remember talking to her about going in and she said I didnt need to… That she didnt want me to. But yet im so freaking hard headed that i did it anyway i mean i wouldnt be the person I am today without my family especially my mom… But the army help shape me and mold me…. I love that. But maybe i think i shouldve gone active… Its just like nothing makes since… I dont even get to see my nephews bexause of freaking gambling it makes no sense, I hate it… I feel like I just keep getting punished for stuff I dont even do… I’ve completly done a 360 in my life, I dont party I watch what I do the stuff I used to get excited about  doesnt even excite me nomore. But I feel so selfesh theres people who have it ten times worse then I ever do. I just ……. this world is very wrong this what people live for really… All i want in life is to be a paramedic have kids and be loved and learn how to trust…..  Maybe thats asking to much…… MAybe theres something wrong with me. I just want my nephews back in my life… It kills me everything thats happened.. But somehow I find a way to go about my day with a smile…. All  I do is cry and cry cause somethings always wrong….and the bad thing is soldiers dont cry……………………………………..